Introduction
Having had girlfriends and been married, I have come to see that I need 6 things in a relationship if it is to work for me. Namely, I need to be respected, valued and appreciated. I also need for us to be a couple, I need her to express an interest in me, and I want us to be friends. |
Now, while these things are important to me, they may not be important to you. And that's ok! |
My point is that we need to know what we want in a relationship if we are to be happy in one. |
Please understand, that there is a difference between needs and wants. And I don't necessarily advocate that a relationship should meet all our needs and wants, as some be just be baggage from our past. |
In my last relationship, I did not have much of these 6 things and I became increasingly miserable. |
In practical terms, I will outline below what I mean through the use of questions. Some of these questions will overlap between sections and that's ok. |
In case you are wondering, these 6 things are things I expect of myself in an intimate relationship. If I cannot respect her, value her and appreciate her, then I am in the wrong relationship. It goes both ways as far as I am concerned. |
While I speak as a man here, it shouldn't come as a surprise that women also want to be respected, valued and appreciated. They also want to be a couple, want someone who takes an interest in them, and want a friend in their partner. It does go both ways. |
The problem is that we may not both agree on what it means to be respected, valued and appreciated. |
And this is where communication is vital in a relationship. Communication that is not dismissive, judmental, over-reactive... but open, honest and supportive. |
In other words, a communication that enables the relationship to work in that you are able to resolve issues together. |
Does she see you both as a couple?
Does she see both of you as a couple? |
Does she want both of you to do things together? |
Does she invite you to her family functions? |
Does she invite you to things she is involved in? |
Are you a part of her whole life or just a limited part of it? |
Are you in her outer circle or her inner circle? |
Is the relationship about her or both of you? |
Has she opened up all aspects of her life to you? |
Does she appreciate you?
Is she grateful for who you are? |
Is she grateful for what you bring to the relationship? |
When you do something nice for her, does she start talking about herself? |
Does she say 'thank you' when you do something? |
Does she say 'thank you' when you give her a compliment? |
Does she get annoyed by who you are and what you do? |
Does she try to change you (your ways and your opinions)? |
Does she express disapproval of the things you do or say? |
Does she listen to you attentively, with her mind and heart? |
Is she interested in who you are?
Does she take an interest in the things you say? |
Does she take an interest in how your day was? |
Does she listen to you just so she can take over the conversation? |
Is she interested in all aspects of your life? |
When you share something, does she ask follow up questions? |
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Does she value you?
Does she ask for your opinion? |
Does she value your opinion? |
Is she prepared to make changes to her attitude(s) for your benefit? |
Does she have time for you? |
Does she make time for you? |
Does she consider your feelings? |
Does she make allowances for you? |
Does she apologize when she has done something wrong? |
Does she always talk to you as if she knows better than you? |
Does she allow you to be right when you are right? |
Does she usually excuse herself (or blame you) when she has done something that has hurt you? |
Does she let you watch the shows you want to watch on TV? |
Does she want to spend time with you? |
Does she see you as equally important as she is? |
Does she care about your emotional needs? |
Does she care about your physical needs? |
Does she have double standards with you? |
Is the relationship almost always about her? |
Is she happy to make compromises for your benefit? |
Is she demanding? |
Does she talk down to you? |
Does she think that she is better than you? |
Is the relationship primarily about having her needs met? |
Does she decide the terms of the relationship? |
Does she treat others better than you? |
Does she wholeheartedly support you when you have a problem? |
Does she belittle or ridicule you when you raise issues about your relationship? |
Does she remember everything you have ever done wrong? |
Does she frequently bring up the things you have done wrong in the relationship? |
Are you free to express your feelings? |
Are you afraid of her? Afraid of her reactions? Afraid of being judged? |
Does she see you as her friend?
Does she see you and treat you as a friend? |
Does she share with you things about her day? |
Does she ask your advice? |
Does she value your advice? |
Does she treat others better than she treats you? |
Does she make all the decisions in the relationship? |
Is she happy to do things you want to do? |
Does she try to understand you? |
Does she support you emotionally? |
When you go out together, does she spend all her time with her friends? |
Does she confide in you? |
Does she turn to you for comfort and support? |
Is she happy to comfort and support you? |
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Does she respect you?
Does she listen to you when you talk? |
Does she take an interest in the things you say? |
Does she respect your feelings? |
Does she say 'please' and 'thank you'? |
Does she speak for you? |
Are you free to have your own opinion? |
Does she yell at you? |
Is she impatient with you? |
Is she critical of you? |
Is she intolerant of you? |
Does she cut you off when you are talking? |
Does she contradict you in public? |
Does she embarrass you in public? |
Does she correct you continously? |
Are you free to have your own friends? |
Are you free to have your own likes and dislikes? |
Do you have to ask her permission before you can do something? |
Does she judge you? |
Does she decide for you? |
Does she involve you in decisions that affect you? |
Conclusion
So, to answer the question that is the title of this CheatSheet, YES you do need to know what you want in a relationship. Otherwise, you may end up in a relationship that does not work for you, as has happened to me. |
Liking/loving someone is not enough because we both are imperfect beings. We need to be able to live with them day-by -day and accept them unconditionally. |
We all have needs. And when it comes to an intimate relationship, we need our needs to be met if we are to be happy in that relationship. |
It has taken me a long time to finally know what I need in a relationship. |
I will add one more thing I need in a relationship: being able to work with her to make it work. |
For me, that means that I need someone who is gracious, approachable, patient, understanding, supportive and forgiving. And again, I expect myself to be the same with her. Otherwise, I am in the wrong relationship. |
Unfortunately for me, I seem to be attracted to the wrong type of women: strong-willed, self-willed, very independent and stubborn who think they know better than me. |
While it may be argued that there is nothing wrong with women (or men) being that way, they are not the type of women I feel I can work with to make a relationship work. |
But, that's me! |
I have a very sensitive nature and my 6 things are my 6 things. |
You may very well have 6 different things based on who you are and what you have been through. |
And that's ok! I do not intend for my 6 things to be your 6 things. |
We all need to determine what is important for us in a relationship. |
An Exercise...
What 6 things are important to you in a relationship? |
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Are these 6 things deal breakers if they don't exist in the relationship? YES / NO |
Can you explain in practical terms what each of the 6 things are? (same as I did with the questions above) |
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