IntroductionHaving had girlfriends and been married, I have come to see that I need 6 things in a relationship if it is to work for me. Namely, I need to be respected, valued and appreciated. I also need for us to be a couple, I need her to express an interest in me, and I want us to be friends. | Now, while these things are important to me, they may not be important to you. And that's ok! | My point is that we need to know what we want in a relationship if we are to be happy in one. | Please understand, that there is a difference between needs and wants. And I don't necessarily advocate that a relationship should meet all our needs and wants, as some be just be baggage from our past. | In my last relationship, I did not have much of these 6 things and I became increasingly miserable. | In practical terms, I will outline below what I mean through the use of questions. Some of these questions will overlap between sections and that's ok. | In case you are wondering, these 6 things are things I expect of myself in an intimate relationship. If I cannot respect her, value her and appreciate her, then I am in the wrong relationship. It goes both ways as far as I am concerned. | While I speak as a man here, it shouldn't come as a surprise that women also want to be respected, valued and appreciated. They also want to be a couple, want someone who takes an interest in them, and want a friend in their partner. It does go both ways. | The problem is that we may not both agree on what it means to be respected, valued and appreciated. | And this is where communication is vital in a relationship. Communication that is not dismissive, judmental, over-reactive... but open, honest and supportive. | In other words, a communication that enables the relationship to work in that you are able to resolve issues together. |
Does she see you both as a couple?Does she see both of you as a couple? | Does she want both of you to do things together? | Does she invite you to her family functions? | Does she invite you to things she is involved in? | Are you a part of her whole life or just a limited part of it? | Are you in her outer circle or her inner circle? | Is the relationship about her or both of you? | Has she opened up all aspects of her life to you? |
Does she appreciate you?Is she grateful for who you are? | Is she grateful for what you bring to the relationship? | When you do something nice for her, does she start talking about herself? | Does she say 'thank you' when you do something? | Does she say 'thank you' when you give her a compliment? | Does she get annoyed by who you are and what you do? | Does she try to change you (your ways and your opinions)? | Does she express disapproval of the things you do or say? | Does she listen to you attentively, with her mind and heart? |
Is she interested in who you are?Does she take an interest in the things you say? | Does she take an interest in how your day was? | Does she listen to you just so she can take over the conversation? | Is she interested in all aspects of your life? | When you share something, does she ask follow up questions? |
| | Does she value you?Does she ask for your opinion? | Does she value your opinion? | Is she prepared to make changes to her attitude(s) for your benefit? | Does she have time for you? | Does she make time for you? | Does she consider your feelings? | Does she make allowances for you? | Does she apologize when she has done something wrong? | Does she always talk to you as if she knows better than you? | Does she allow you to be right when you are right? | Does she usually excuse herself (or blame you) when she has done something that has hurt you? | Does she let you watch the shows you want to watch on TV? | Does she want to spend time with you? | Does she see you as equally important as she is? | Does she care about your emotional needs? | Does she care about your physical needs? | Does she have double standards with you? | Is the relationship almost always about her? | Is she happy to make compromises for your benefit? | Is she demanding? | Does she talk down to you? | Does she think that she is better than you? | Is the relationship primarily about having her needs met? | Does she decide the terms of the relationship? | Does she treat others better than you? | Does she wholeheartedly support you when you have a problem? | Does she belittle or ridicule you when you raise issues about your relationship? | Does she remember everything you have ever done wrong? | Does she frequently bring up the things you have done wrong in the relationship? | Are you free to express your feelings? | Are you afraid of her? Afraid of her reactions? Afraid of being judged? |
Does she see you as her friend?Does she see you and treat you as a friend? | Does she share with you things about her day? | Does she ask your advice? | Does she value your advice? | Does she treat others better than she treats you? | Does she make all the decisions in the relationship? | Is she happy to do things you want to do? | Does she try to understand you? | Does she support you emotionally? | When you go out together, does she spend all her time with her friends? | Does she confide in you? | Does she turn to you for comfort and support? | Is she happy to comfort and support you? |
| | Does she respect you?Does she listen to you when you talk? | Does she take an interest in the things you say? | Does she respect your feelings? | Does she say 'please' and 'thank you'? | Does she speak for you? | Are you free to have your own opinion? | Does she yell at you? | Is she impatient with you? | Is she critical of you? | Is she intolerant of you? | Does she cut you off when you are talking? | Does she contradict you in public? | Does she embarrass you in public? | Does she correct you continously? | Are you free to have your own friends? | Are you free to have your own likes and dislikes? | Do you have to ask her permission before you can do something? | Does she judge you? | Does she decide for you? | Does she involve you in decisions that affect you? |
ConclusionSo, to answer the question that is the title of this CheatSheet, YES you do need to know what you want in a relationship. Otherwise, you may end up in a relationship that does not work for you, as has happened to me. | Liking/loving someone is not enough because we both are imperfect beings. We need to be able to live with them day-by -day and accept them unconditionally. | We all have needs. And when it comes to an intimate relationship, we need our needs to be met if we are to be happy in that relationship. | It has taken me a long time to finally know what I need in a relationship. | I will add one more thing I need in a relationship: being able to work with her to make it work. | For me, that means that I need someone who is gracious, approachable, patient, understanding, supportive and forgiving. And again, I expect myself to be the same with her. Otherwise, I am in the wrong relationship. | Unfortunately for me, I seem to be attracted to the wrong type of women: strong-willed, self-willed, very independent and stubborn who think they know better than me. | While it may be argued that there is nothing wrong with women (or men) being that way, they are not the type of women I feel I can work with to make a relationship work. | But, that's me! | I have a very sensitive nature and my 6 things are my 6 things. | You may very well have 6 different things based on who you are and what you have been through. | And that's ok! I do not intend for my 6 things to be your 6 things. | We all need to determine what is important for us in a relationship. |
An Exercise...What 6 things are important to you in a relationship? | 1. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 2. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 3. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 4. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 5. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 6. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | Are these 6 things deal breakers if they don't exist in the relationship? YES / NO | Can you explain in practical terms what each of the 6 things are? (same as I did with the questions above) | 1. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 2. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 3. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 4. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 5. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | 6. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
|
Created By
Metadata
Comments
No comments yet. Add yours below!
Add a Comment
Related Cheat Sheets